Spineless Song of the Week: When Crabs Go Bad

Photo by Luke Miller. For more deviant decapods Click here.
Being a crab is pretty hard in this great blue sea. Someone always wants to eat you and if you can even find another crab thats your species, its such a chore to put on the right displays and signals to get a female to mate with you! Hardly worth the effort except for some strange masculine compulsion to screw everything in sight. But I just want to tell every crab out there thats its OK if you get down on yourself every now and then. You don't need to turn to drugs or alcohol to ease the pain of your existence. You always have a friend at the Church of Darwin and the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodley appendage will always be source of reassurance in times of need.

So this song goes out to every Brachyuran, thats right - the true crabs, who has ever had it bad in the ghettos of the deep. To all the crabs who've lost a friend to crabivorous fish and cephalopods. Life is tough bros, but don't turn to drugs and lay light on the booze. You have a friend in Chuckie D and FSM. Click on #11 on the Spineless Songs sidebar. Peace out crust-dawgs.

*Like Craig and Peter, I do not condone the behavior depicted in these images. I am only bringing to light a serious issue facing crustaceans worldwide.*





When Crabs Go Bad

Life is hard down in deep seas
Making a living sure ain’t easy
But it’s a low-down shame and kinda sad when crabs go bad

It all started as a nauplius
My parents just spit me in that abyss
From a young age been without a dad
Makes you wonder why when crabs go bad

When crabs go bad, it’s a cryin sad shame
Pinching the bottle against that hard ole exoskeleton
When crabs go bad, I just feel so appalled
Theres got to be a better way that drugs or alcohol when crabs go bad

Dodging fish and octopods
Wears a shell thin and shakes the jaws
Theres nothing like predators to drive you mad
It may come as no surprise when crabs go bad


When crabs go bad, it’s a cryin sad shame
Pinching the bottle against that hard ole exoskeleton
When crabs go bad, I just feel so appalled
Theres got to be a better way that drugs or alcohol when crabs go bad

A bottle of Jim Bean to preserve my soul
Forget about my troubles at the seafloor below
I get real high then I get real sad
I think about when crabs go bad

When crabs go bad, it’s a cryin sad shame
Pinching the bottle against that hard ole exoskeleton
When crabs go bad, I just feel so appalled
Theres got to be a better way that drugs or alcohol when crabs go bad