MOLLUSCS!! GASTROPODS! LAMELLIBRANCHS! CEPHALOPODS!

Somehow I came across this transcript of "Molluscs - Live TV Documentary", episode 32 of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Its hilarious (if you are into monty python humor). Of course a simple web search revealed it also existed on the almighty YouTube!


This is my favorite excerpt:

Zorba: The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. How am I doing?

Mrs Jalin: Disgusting.

Mr Jalin: But more interesting.

Mrs Jalin: Oh yes, tch, tch, tch.

Zorba: Another loose-living gastropod is the periwinkle. This shameless little libertine with its characteristic ventral locomotion ... is not the marrying kind: Anywhere anytime is its motto. Up with the shell and they're at it.

Mrs Jalin: How about the lamellibranchs?

Zorba: I'm coming to them ... the great scallop (holds one up) ... this tatty, scrofulous old rapist, is second in depravity only to the common clam. (holds up a clam) This latter is a fight whore, a harlot, a trollop, a cynical bed-hopping firm-breasted Rabelaisian bit of sea food that makes Fanny Hill look like a dead Pope... and finally among the lamellibranch bivalves, that most depraved of the whole sub-species - the whelk. The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind. This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacean, this mincing mollusc, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick.

***Editor's Note*** To alleviate any confusion in the last two sentences, whelk's are not lamellibranch bivalves. They are gastropods.